wonderings on happy and sad

what makes a good day good? some say optimism and pessimism, the ol' half-cup full, half-cup empty pervade one's perspective by a matter of choice. is that true? can i really choose to see the half-cup full even in the midst of my emptiness? of course, in the favor of the attitude-by-choice proponents, stories such as Life is Beautiful are amazing in that someone chose to see the good in the ugly. well, here's where i stand. say, five years ago, i would have described myself as the cheerleader-- the one who keeps others going, the one who dances for hours on end (literally), the one with a smile from ear to ear. now, I have become a full-fledged pessimist. is this what people talk about when they say that we grow bitter with age? where is my eternal youth? my inner child? my sunny-side-up??? There is some room for change: in certain situations my outlook changes as if someone just opened the wooden blinds to a brilliant sunrise. It's up to me to find out where the sun shines and bring it back into my gloominess. More Pooh, less Eeyore, please.

Trains, Planes, My Poor Ol' Brain!

Hi, Mom. next time i stay somewhere for a prolonged period, i'm going to stay put. i am so sick of logistics. i can't believe the amount of mental and emotional space i've devoted to decision-making over cities, hotels, people, and especially transportation over the last 3 months. i am really sick of it. lessons i've learned:
1- less is more
2- pick a few top places or people and enjoy them
3- for every 12 hours of travel you need 24 hours to recover
4- night trains are not trains
5- home really is where the heart is, so if you don't have or won't make an emotional attachment to the place you're visiting, then don't go
6- use the rail/travel officials. they do much of your work for you; but ask questions because if they're lazy they won't find you shorter ways or discounts, etc.
and big ol
7- get rich and hire a travel agent. scheise, man!

trains, planes, my poor ol' brain.

a letter to my mother...

Random Story

so... i was sitting in another lecture which i couldn't pay attention to (newsflash: suzanna is NOT a medical or epidemiological theorist!!!!!!) and I wrote this little poetic story...

One boy rides his bike. Pedals so fast his feet are a blur. hits a hill and sweat breaks out, one drop clinging to the tip of his ear, waiting for its chance to break free. he hits a bump and the drop is gone, falling, falling, to the ground. Downhill, back the way it had come when still in the pores of a boy. Down and down it meets a gush once it falls through the grates of a street, pushed and jostled by its brothers ansd sisters flowing quickly below the city. Expansion. The drop is merged into a vast current moving to its source. The current moves through filters and filters, the drop is, for a moment, unique again, then suddenly, it overcomes its resistance and dives again into its friends. A dark journey, longer and longer, then sudden light emerging as a gush of water, churning, boiling, flowing, the river Aare. It regards itself: greeny-white: and warms as it clings to the ear of a swimming boy, his bike overturned on the bank of the river.

the river of Bern

Die Aare

swish.gurgle. green glass chalky turbulently smooth. the old chunk of bottle washed up on shore smoothed from jagged and whitened from green. primal water of moving stone. formingreforming. a green cold lava flow. my aare.

Regen. Rain. La Pluie. La Ploggia.

Okay, so my plan is to spill my heart out here then selectively assemble a finer, more palatable version of my Swiss Life for the ThinkSwiss Scholar Blog.  so here goes...

Regen. Rain. La Pluie. La Ploggia (and sorry, I haven't yet found a Romansch dictionary).

Oopsy-daisy, here I come, from four days in style-savvy street-happy lively London with, suprise surprise, sunshine.  Off the plane in Zurich, through the empty (is Switzerland really that small??) "modern" airport (concrete, a rustic architect's nightmare), ready to use my entire suitcase and backpacker's backpack, (quiet, you minimalist packers sniggering in the background!) of clothes and sheets (yes, it was necessary).  I am ready to present myself afresh to a new culture, a new life, a new skill set, a new living situation, and maybe even a new self.  From Zurich to Bern, the trains are sharp, on time, everything Swiss except the cows and the cheese. One hour and I'm in the station wishing I had gotten the contact info of the cute helpful Croatian (returning to his country, unfortunately) who showed me to the official meeting point for the sought and the seekers.  Waiting, watching as the people walk by-- some conservative, some barcelona-esque in their youthful hair and edgy clothes, most in the grown-up version of college wear-- sniffing the wafting scent of a waffle cookie demonstration to my left, not sure if i can just pick up a piece and try it, not sure what to say for please and may i, even though i know that much German and more.  Waiting. then he comes, bright eyes shining in the light and curly hair glinting in its blackness. skinny with a fat smile. my new roommate, V. 

off we go into a taxi "let me pay," "no, please, I've got it" through the streets of my new home, Bern/Berne/Berna, a city with the feel of a town, a capital you find right in your neighbor's backyard. It seems that most of its 130,000-odd people make their way to the train station mall each night, but none of them make it back out.  The streets are oddly quiet. no horns, no whizzing cars and revving motoped motors. only swiss/naturalized-Swiss/behaving like a Swiss drivers moving with decorum.  But the station... chaos!!!  bikes cross every which way in hordes; crowds of pedestrians swarm around them like gnats flitted by a hand.  Cars edge through, sometimes diverted around the entire station.  Bern is getting a facelift and tummy-tuck to come up to the glamour of the Euromeisterschaft 2008 Schweiz-Österreich, the European Cup 2008 Switzerland-Austria.  And the glamour will come. I can't wait!

My room is huge. H.U.G.E. for a Swiss apartment in town. Centrally located and in walking distance of the diopolies on groceries: Coop and its cheaper rival Migros.  V and I share food and conversation as I ease slowly into Switzerland and its immigrant community.  V teaches me much about the Kurdish community in Switzerland and its status, aspirations, and growth.  I am happy.

My first day at the ISPM.  Dr. Egger and Dr. Low (although I have to stop myself from calling them so and push myself to use their first names) introduce me to my life's labor for the next three months.  "Are you sure you don't want something else, because this project is very important."  I am overjoyed that I agree with them and promptly start the necessary dive into meta-analysis and its inner-workings.  My pile of books grows with Statistics, Meta-Analysis, and Epidemiology primers while my pristine desk (although dusty by Swiss standards, but hey, who's complaining) finds happiness in a bath of research articles, data extraction sheets, literature search summaries, teamugs, pens, my handy swiss Handy (cell phone) and spoons and spoons of lactose-free yogurt (mmmm, peach...).  

It's a long haul from knowledge base big fat Zero, what is a chi square please?, to ah, yes, make sure you have independent study selection and that you extract follow-up time, population size, and as many raw numbers as possible.  My patience grows thin as my confusion grows fatter, but Nicola and Matthias check on me often and Nicola sits through my questions and feeds my growing epidemiology brain. 

Weekends are sublime. no work. new place. exploration is a plus. With a Gleis 7 i travel free on SBB (Schweizerische Bundesbahner) from 7pm-5am, and with my half-days card i pay half-price on swiss train tickets to anywhere in the country. ANYWHERE. what does that mean? Why am I still sitting here in Bern counting only a few swiss expeditions? ah, yes, i must work. ah, yes, i must lead a semi-normal life, try to sleep at night, and have some down-time to let my travel-weary body rest.

3 weeks later and here's what I can count: 

One amazing hike up the Niederhorn via Beatenberg

Two incredible friends from work 

Three stops from Bern and back: Zurich city tour-Zug birthday party-Einsedeln monastery town and proud bakers of a molded bread which looks nice but turns to styrofoam on the palate

Four moves from V's apartment to M's floor (so fun!!!) to C/B's living room (loved loved it) to S's house (ahhhh.)

Five hours on the road, in St. Gallen, and back for a sunset bbq in T's apartment (and salsa lessons for F)

Six hours to Stuttgart and more to Hamburg for a weekend with my uncle and cousins (yay!!!)

Seven days a week to think of my family at home, the friends I haven't seen for such a while, and the amazing time I had in Freiburg with my Aunt and cousin M.   Many moments a day to thank God for keeping me intact through the whirlwind of the last month.  craZY! and let's skip ahead in the count...

30 days of unending, put me in a hole and dont forget to wring me out when it's over Regen. La Pluie. La Ploggia...Rain. 

Money makes the world go around...

Okay. so it's true in some part that Money Makes the World Go Around.
Celebrate with me-- God just blessed me with a $2100 scholarship from the US Swiss Embassy ThinkSwiss Research Scholar Program for my stay here in Switzerland. It's not a mountain of gold but it sure digs me out of my hole.
Ill be blogging for the Swiss Embassy once a week now. YayayayayayayayayayaYAY!

Switzerland St. Gallen-Zurich

I am now in my first-second month of a three-month research stay in Bern, Switzerland.

here's a bare account of some of the highlights and observations of my 3 months:

today i woke up and trekked it to the bus stop (from Wabern, SE of altstadt/old city); from the Bahnhof went to Zurich (had to run to catch the train! paid extra 5chf or so to buy ticket on the train itself = 28chf with my halbtags/half-price card). 

Zurich train station is gorgeous! much like london. art exhibit, halles/cafes, etc on the sides.... Called friend (brother of really good friend) T to come pick me up; had sent text in train 1/2 hour before... no answer. God is great; he calls immediately after my 2nd call to confirm plans with me ("surprise, I'm here already!") -- it turns out my cell phone has his number without the leading 0.  sigh. he had perfect timing though.

of course i go the opposite way from the direction he tells me, but when i finally meet him (he is TALL and sounds exactly like one of my young uncles with traits of both this uncle and his brother!) we jet off to grab 5 tons of water bottles (just kidding) and pick up another (fabulous) friend, F, and drive off to St. Gallen.

WOW. it's the real thing. on the way: green grass, rolling hills, perfect sky, i could've been in texas cept everything looked plain ol milk-fed. wholesome. and clusters of germano-rustic houses. didn't see any cows but im sure they were there! 

St. Gallen- we walk around, have lunch at Lostli, or something like that. what do i eat but hash browns (roesti) and chicken-fried steak (except pork), Wienerschnitzel.  What? Am I where? in texas? oh no, it's switzerland. i forgot.  and a huge beer (the smallest size!) which i couldn't finish... whew!

thank God for the gorgeous trek up many treffen (stairs) to a hill atop St. Gallen- gotta burn off that yeast! (and oil/butter. yikes...) We went up enough stairs to warrant a whole lindt-hazelnut chocolate bar in the car home -- i was that tired. 

T had an appointment, so F and I wandered through the overly decorated Cathedral and then to the oh-so-rococco-cool abbey library complete with a mummy and trompe l'oeil decorations (sicher-- really!).  by the time we found our way out (we and another couple thought we were locked into the building... but they just hadn't jiggled the handle the right way), all the patisseries/bakerie/conditorei were closed (sniff, sniff) so i had to have that emergency lindt-chocolate bar ;).  "had to"  i know, it's a relative term!

anyway...

We grilled back in Zurich over the sunset view from T's apartment. Prima! i really love cooking so much. each cooking session gives a new pleasure.  T's colleague D came over as well, so we four shared drinks, chargrilled everything (more char than grill, but all lovely nonetheless), salad, salsa (incl lessons for F) and laughs! another one for my best memories collection.  *smiles*

what will tomorrow bring? hopefully enough energy to make it on whatever hike my officemate O takes me on! we're leaving at 8am... gnight all.